Far Out:

Music's Offbeat

WARNING!!!

QUESTIONABLE INFORMATION AHEAD

Music history, like all history, must be constantly corrected and updated as researchers uncover new information. It is exciting to report here that Muzine has recently gained access to the current researches of Dr. Phineas Dubious, PfD*., the eminent musicologist and historian, who has been doing exhaustive (to him) work in the field of anecdotal music history. Dr. Dubious is well known for his scholarly and thought-provoking book, "The Dominant Tonic: a Study of Harmonic Practice from Wagenseil to Dittersdorf and Back", in which he presents compelling evidence of strong preferences for the tonic chord among the Viennese Classical composers and their precursors.. A sequel, "Tonischen um Ganzenplatz" ("Tonics All Over the Place"), is presently underway.

Muzine is privileged to present some of Dr. Dubious' revelations here below.

*Doctor of Profundity

 

Beethoven's "Eroica" Symphony: the Real Story

Few anecdotes in music history are more familiar than the one about how Beethoven's Third Symphony got its nickname. For almost two centuries we have been led to believe that Beethoven, at first a great admirer of Napoleon, had a fit when that French big shot proclaimed himself emperor, so he supposedly tore up the cover page containing the title Napoleon Bonaparte, and retitled the symphony Heroic ("Eroica") Symphony in Memory of a Great Man.

Dr. Dubious shows emphatically that this is all pure bunk. For one thing, Beethoven couldn't speak French (he wasn't all that great at German, either)--so how could he know what Napoleon said? Besides, the Viennese newspaper Gibberische Zeitung, to which Beethoven subscribed, never carried much besides local gossip and the NFL football scores, and even though he wasn't yet totally deaf he was always pounding on the piano and never heard what anybody else said.

It is true that Beethoven eventually got wind of Napoleon's bid to boost his egomania, but he responded not with rage but with sarcasm: goaded on by a bad hangover, the great composer gave his Third Symphony the title Eselführer (Jackass Leader), and pointedly dedicated it to Napoleon. Fortunately for Beethoven's neck, though, he first bragged about it to his current girl friend, Fraülein Erica von Hoffensteffelschwester, who knew a red flag when she saw it.

Knowing how difficult it was to talk Ludwig out of anything--much harder than talking him into anything--she put on her most petulant pout and confided to her smitten lover that she had always secretly hoped he would dedicate a symphony to her. One long gaze into Erica's big, teary brown eyes was enough; the smitten genius tore up the dedication page and retitled the Third Symphony Erica--but being a notoriously bad speller he inscribed it Eroica (his love letters prove that he always wrote her name that way), and that's how the E-flat symphony has come down to us to this very day.

Take that, Bonaparte!

 

 

Humor in music? Oh, sure, we all know some of those musician jokes, like:

What do you do with a dead violist? Move him back one stand.

Or:

What is perfect pitch? Throwing the bassoon in the dumpster so that it lands squarely on the accordion.

...but sometimes classical music is unintentionally funny (this is a true story):

Around 1790 or so, the eminent German music professor Johann Albrechtsberger said of one of his pupils, "He has learnt nothing and will never do anything in decent style." The pupil's name? Ludwig van Beethoven.

 

Or try some of these:

Musical Terms as Defined by Country-Western Musicians

Treble:
Bass:
Tempo:
Bossa Nova:
Perfect Fifth:
Diminished Fifth:
Half Tone:
Twelve-Tone Scale:
Ritard:
Repeat:
A440:
Transposition:
Cut Time:
Relative Minor:
Relative Major:
Clef:
Cymbal:
Staccato:
Diatonic:
Bach Chorale:
Flute:
Oboe:
Bass Viol: 		What women ain't nothing but.
Them things you tag in softball.
Not a bad choice in a used car.
The car your foreman drives.
A full bottle of Jack Daniels.
An empty bottle of Jack Daniels.
About how much your pickup can haul.
What they weigh your tractor trailer on.
Ain't there one in every family?
What you do in school till they throw you out.
The highway that runs around Nashville.
A guy who dresses in girls' clothes.
Parole.
My cousin what digs coal.
My uncle in the army.
What you don't never want to fall off of.
What they put on road signs instead of words.
That plaster they put on the sides of houses.
Low-calorie Schweppes.
Out behind the barn where you keep a horse.
What a boat won't when it's got a hole in it.
A bum that rides freight trains.
Real mean and low-down.

 

Do orchestra players really watch the conductor? The source for the following story swears it's true, but I wouldn't put money on it:

A few days before a concert, the conductor of a symphony orchestra was rushed to the hospital for an emergency appendectomy. With neither the time nor the budget to hire a professional replacement, the manager pressed into service one of the cellists from the back row of his section, who was known to have had some conducting experience. The substitute maestro managed to navigate the dress rehearsal and the concert without disaster, and continued to direct the orchestra for six weeks until the regular conductor came back to work. At the next rehearsal, the cellist once again took his place at the rear of the section, whereupon his stand partner stuck out his hand and exclaimed, "Hey, man, good to see you! Where you been for six weeks?"
How many pianists does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to do it and four to discuss how Horowitz would have done it.
What's the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? The grip.
What's the difference between a puppy and a country singer? The puppy finally stops whining.
What's the dynamic range of the tuba? On and Off.
What's the difference between a car and a French Horn? The car can be tuned.
Why are orchestra intermissions limited to fifteen minutes? So you don't have to retrain the drummer.
What do you get if you drop a piano on an army base? A flat major.
What's a conductor? A guy who's good at following a whole bunch of people at once.

 

(Try and stop me!)

It's no wonder we have air pollution: look how much of it has been filtered through trombones.
At an orchestra rehearsal, the conductor spent a good twenty minutes giving nit-picking instructions and corrections to the strings. Finally, the exasperated percussionist picked up the cymbals and cut loose with a loud crash. The conductor whirled around and screamed, "All right, who did that?"

 

Why do jazz players have to get up by 4:30? Because most of the stores close at 5:00.
What is transposition? Moving from a key too low for the basses to one too high for the sopranos.
What is vibrato? A technique used by contraltos to hide the fact that they can't find the right note.
What's the most popular recording of the Elgar Viola Concerto? Music Minus One.

 

ENUFF ALREADY!!!

 

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