PARENT-CHILD TRANSITION
My first child will be leaving for college soon, and I have mixed feelings about this. I know things will change, yet I'm uncertain about how the changes will affect us and our relationship.
For most parents, the end of their child's required education and preparation for their child's departure marks a significant turning point for each of them and for their relationship. Because of the inevitable changes and uncertainties involved in any major life transition, both parent and child struggle with the desire to let go and the longing to hold on.
Change is not only inevitable, it is necessary for growth. Your child's entry into college is an event and a time that you have both dreamed about and dreaded, a time to move forward and a time to day farewell, a period of excitement and pride coupled with anxiety and sadness.
Not all students handle the demands of college in the same way or with equal success;. Some are ready for the challenge; others require considerable support. There are the expected worries: Is he self-disciplined enough to manage his studies? Is she experienced enough to choose trustworthy dating partners? Can he resist the temptation to party too often? Will she be homesick and lonely? When to hold on and when to let go becomes an important consideration.
Hold on to the values that you have taught your child by your words and your example. Let go of the expectation your child that will hold fast to those values without wavering or questioning. College challenges students to examine their values and to make their own decisions. Hold on to trust that much of what you have taught will ultimately be incorporated into you child=s personal morals and value system.
Hold on to the expectations you have about your contributions to your child=s education and communicate those expectations clearly to your child. Let go of mandating what he or she will or will not do; those choices are the child=s responsibility. The determination of consequences for those choices is yours to decide or to negotiate with your child.
Let go of the need to save your child from mistakes. Mistakes are a natural part of learning and call for understanding and change rather than chastisement and rejection. Hold on to support for your child=s acceptance of responsibility and demonstration of improved decision-making.
Hold on to regular, open communication with your child, even if he or she pulls back for a while, distracted by the challenges of college life or determined to establish a sense of independence. Communication is even more important during this period of transition, a link with your shared past and a path for your future relationship.
Let go of the wish to maintain familiar roles and ground rules; these are bound to change as your child establishes his or her own identity and begins to assume increasing responsibility for his or her life. Hold on to the memories and the love you have for your child. These will carry you through this period of change and uncertainty, moving you toward a new, and more rewarding, adult-to-adult relationship.
College is a bridge between adolescence and adulthood. Be patient as you cross this bridge together, persevere when the crossing roughens, respect one another=s visions, and learn from each other throughout the journey. The final destination is well worth the trip!
pmccoy 6-13-97